She was as white as a marble angel

Where did you give birth or where was the birth you witnessed?
North Wales, UK

Can you describe where your/the birth was?

In hospital, in an unremarkable room on the Labour ward in the searing Summer heat of July 2008.

Who was present at your/the birth?
My husband and the midwives.

Can you describe the experience of giving birth or watching the birth?
The birth of my first and only child, conceived after four years of desperate longing and invasive treatment, was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and remains a nightmare I am cursed to replay over in my head and my nightmares for the rest of my life. After two days of vomit inducing pain (I felt furious in my hallucinatory bubble of labour that nobody had spelled out to me exactly HOW much this was going to hurt )my beautiful daughter slid silently into the world into the arms of the unsuspecting midwife and all hell let loose. The cry never came, her first breath was never taken. She was as white as a marble angel. I watched, frozen, as they pumped her chest and masked her face until eventually, they stole her away. I was left, bereft on the island of my bed whilst my husband followed our deathly silent baby. As I delivered the placenta and the midwives cleaned up my limp and shocked body I had no idea if my dream of becoming a mummy was over before it had even begun. I had no idea if the baby outfit from Boots in my bag (that I had so carefully chosen ) would be needed for my daughter to meet her eager family or for her to be buried in. I hadn’t even seen her face.

 

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